Have your friends gone AWOL in your time of need?

When you lose a loved one, it can be a traumatic and terrible time. You’re probably in shock. Your world feels like it has been turned upside down. You don’t know which direction to turn. You need all the support you can get. You turn to friends and family only to find they are not available. It leaves you feeling confused. You find yourself in even more shock than before. It feels like you are not only going through your initial loss, but you now find yourself experiencing another loss.

I experienced this after the death of my father. I was the first of my close friends to lose a parent. I found that I just didn’t hear from some people that I was sure would walk beside me. I couldn’t make sense of any of it. In my greatest time of need, it seemed like they were putting themselves first. I felt like they just didn’t care what I was going through. It really hurt. Why couldn’t my friends see how much I needed them? If you’ve experienced this, please know that you are not alone. Your feelings of confusion, shock and hurt are valid. Is it something you did? Did you upset them in some way? The answer to these questions is a resounding NO!

What did I learn from my experience? I learned that some people just don’t know what to say. They are so afraid of saying the wrong thing, making your experience worse, that they just don’t say anything. At this time of your loss, you are certainly under no obligation to understand anything, but it may ease your grief and hurt to know that these people are not trying to hurt you. Even though their absence is doing exactly that; they are, in fact, trying so very hard to spare you from further hurt. Your people are, in their own flawed way, trying to spare you from their own inadequacies. They fear that they will say the wrong thing and make it so much worse for you that they say nothing. They don’t understand that all they have to say is that they don’t know what to say. We don’t want perfect words; we just want them.

You are not alone, and your feelings are justified. Much love to you at this horrible time!