Perspective or toxic positivity

I recently watched a video by Robin Sharma where he talked about staying positive on a bad day. In this video, he talked about perspective. He said that perspective can help you turn your day around. Thinking about the people who are worse off than you can help you feel more positive. Whilst this can be true, I think there’s a danger with this that hasn’t been talked about. Yes, perspective is important. However, perspective without acknowledgment of our own feelings can lead to toxic positivity. So, what is toxic positivity? Well, it’s not solidly defined. However, the general consensus is that it is having a positive mindset no matter the circumstances. For example, you’re having the worst day of your life, but you keep thinking about the people who are worse off than you without acknowledging your own feelings. You may have experienced toxic positivity being forced upon you. When you’re grieving, have you had someone tell you to look on the bright side or to count your blessings? I’m certain you’ve heard the words ‘at least’ on more than one occasion. At least they’re no longer suffering, at least you’ve already had children, at least you can still have children, at least you had your loved one for so long, at least they lived a long life, etc, etc, etc. This is toxic positivity; being forced or forcing yourself to find the silver lining without first acknowledging your emotions.

The problem with this is that it can make you feel like you don’t deserve your feelings; that you’re wrong for feeling the way you feel. The fact is, when you’ve lost someone or something (be it a pet, a relationship, health, wealth or whatever), you are 100% entitled to feel sad, angry, shocked, lost, fear, guilt, hopelessness, and the list goes on. An important part of the grief process is acknowledging your feelings. Give them the name they deserve. Spend time with them. Give them the honour they deserve. The only time our feelings become problematic is when we don’t acknowledge them, or they take control of our lives. Toxic positivity stops us from acknowledging how we really feel. Not only that, it also stops us from feeling those feelings. If we don’t experience them in their raw and ugly state, if we don’t give them the space they deserve, then we cannot process them. Processing our emotions allows us to move forward with our lives with our emotions in a healthy state. If we ignore them, they will not go away. They will stay in that initial raw and ugly state. Worse still, these ugly and raw emotions will keep reappearing and, usually, at the worst possible moments. Am I saying that processing your emotions means that you’ll never feel them, or they won’t appear at inopportune times? No, they’ll still appear, and you’ll still feel them. The difference is that you’ll have more control of them. They won’t take control of your life. You’ll be able to grow your life around your grief and carry it with you in the way that works for you. By all means, have some perspective but make sure that you’re doing so after you’ve sat with your own feelings. Above all, be kind to yourself!