Which is easier to bear, a prolonged death or a quick death?

The quick answer is neither! At the end of the day, you’ve still lost a loved one. You’re still grieving their loss. But does it matter how they died? Well, the answer to that depends on a lot of factors.

I lost my dad 16 years ago. He was a man of few words but when he spoke, you sat and listened. He was funny, wise, and kind. He wasn’t big on saying ‘I love you’, not to your face anyway. I grew up knowing that he loved me through his actions. When he was diagnosed with cancer and given 3 months to live, it changed everything. I’m so lucky that in those 3 months, he chose to express himself. We had in depth conversations about how he was feeling, what he was struggling with, and how we’d be after he died. We said ‘I love you’ after every interaction. I’m lucky and I know it. I got the chance to meet my dad on a very different level. We had real conversations that I’ll take with me for the rest of my life. We got to say all the things we needed to say. I, naively, thought that I was prepared for his death. I wasn’t. When he died, I went into shock. I realised that I was not prepared at all. I had this notion that having time, knowing he was going to die, put me in a better position to deal with the inevitable. I was so wrong. Sure, I went through anticipatory grief, but that still didn’t prepare me. The shock stayed with me for years. I thought I had grieved but, turns out, I hadn’t. I’d been strong for my mum and hadn’t tended to my own grief. That came later and with a lot of professional help.

Mum died suddenly. She had not been well in the week leading up to her death, but the medical professionals believed she was well on her way to a full recovery. Her heart on the other hand had a different plan. She was supposed to be released from hospital on the Thursday but died from a heart attack on the Wednesday morning. Even her doctors were shocked. No-one saw it coming. Once again, I count myself lucky. Even though she died suddenly, I had nothing left unsaid. Mum and I told each other how we felt daily. Maybe it was because we’d lost my dad, I don’t know but I do know that we had a very open and honest relationship. I’m lucky and I know it. With both my parents’ deaths, I had the opportunity to bond with them in a way that left me feeling okay after they passed.

I had a good relationship with each of them. Not everyone has a good relationship with their parents or their loved ones. A prolonged death may help repair fractured relationships, but it might make the situation worse if feelings like anger and frustration arise. These feelings are completely normal, but you might feel like you shouldn’t be feeling such emotions. A sudden death may amplify and exacerbate those unresolved feelings. So, which one is easier to bear? Well, the death of a loved one is tough, no matter how it occurs, but having unresolved issues can make the loss even harder. The feeling that there is unfinished business and that you’ll be stuck with all those feelings for the rest of time might leave you feeling overwhelmed, angry, sad or like your life has lost its meaning. The good news is that you don’t have to be stuck with these feelings for the rest of your life. You can process through your thoughts and emotions. You can work through the unfinished business, the things left unsaid, the difficult relationships and the negative feelings you’ve been left with. It will be messy and hard work, but it will be worth it. If you’re grieving, be kind to yourself! If you’re grieving and dealing with a bunch of difficult emotions, be kind to yourself! If you need help processing through your feelings, reach out to a professional. Help IS available!